In just a day, my best friend of 10+ years will be going away.
It’s a bit surreal. I’m sad, but reflecting on how little we saw each other the past year, I suppose it won’t change things too much.
I’m not sure why, but at this moment, more than ever… I really wish I had someone. I feel like no one ever thinks about me, if even for the sake of missing me. No one ever asks me to do anything. It’s not that I’m unaware of WHY. I know it’s part of getting older.
I just wish I felt like someone wanted me around.
It’s been about a year since my last post. I find it funny seeing what I said back then. The year surely came and went quickly. Maybe it’s because I wanted this year to be over. But I suppose that would mean it would go by slower. Perhaps that’s one aspect that turned in my favor.
I don’t know how to feel about my life anymore. There are times I’ve considered ending it all, but I assume I’m not completely worthless. The depression I had that started about 8 months ago just will not end. I have even tried to convince myself that all my troubles don’t matter, but it doesn’t actually help. I can’t really say it’s gotten worse, well… sort of.
I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore. I’m afraid to let anyone in. I know it will just result in never ending loneliness. I seem to be happier when I’m alone nowadays. Maybe I’m adapting to the eventual outcome.
I’m not a very social person. I don’t really talk to much anyone these days. Maybe it’s that the past year has taken a hit on me. Maybe I’m afraid people wouldn’t like me. It sucks making a friend, or friends, and really wanting to connect with them, but they just suddenly abandon you. That happened to me so much in 2013. I guess it’s part of getting old. Either way, I don’t get it. I rightfully assume there’s just something about me that pushes them away.
I keep having bad thoughts, too. I’m not depressed. Just.. lost, I guess. I’m seeing the larger reality of things, it’s a little overwhelming. I feel very alone most of the time, but it doesn’t bother me. But, it’s worrying me. Why am I okay with being alone? I feel like I’ve given up, and somehow I find it better this way. As if everything else will get in the way of my goals. Maybe I’m just tired of being used, abused, led on, cheated, just plain fucked over. Who the hell knows.
Well, this will be my second attempt at maintaining a blog. My “goal” is to post at least once a week. But I doubt that’ll happen.
So, everything you’re going to read will range from happy to sad, and deep to shallow(?), and I’m sure some of it may be a little surprising, or maybe not.
I’m here for the sole purpose to unleash my thoughts without anyone giving me advice, words of comfort, or an opinion they have that I don’t want. So, that’s that!